Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
