I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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