you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
