so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
