there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
as a side note pls kill me
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
