her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
