At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
