is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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