Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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