I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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