I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
