chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
