How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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