idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
