I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
