dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
COCAINE IS GR8
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
