I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Still dying that you shit outside
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
