Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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