can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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