i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
