I like my sex mixed with concussions.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
