just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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