some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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