half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Two words: blizzard sex
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
