Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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