i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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