How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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