but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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