Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
