captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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