this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Let's get the cat blown out
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
