I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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