sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
