Redeem this text for a blowjob
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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