I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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