As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
