i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
