so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
