haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
