woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
