someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
