through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
