Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
