dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sober January is a disaster.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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