Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
