She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
