i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
