First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
