I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
