I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
