We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
