Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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