I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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