Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize