you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Oh god it's open bar.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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