I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
