Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
