i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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