i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
